


Hesitation

by eeyorgh



Category: X-Men (Movies), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Canonical Past Incarceration, Foster Care, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Domestic Violence, Period-Typical Homophobia, Victim Blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-21
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-04-22 16:17:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4842101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eeyorgh/pseuds/eeyorgh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written in response to the following prompt on the kink meme:</p><p>Alex went to jail for murdering his ex-boyfriend after his power spontaneously shot out. However, the power activated when the boyfriend was beating him and was about to smash his head in. Of course Alex left that part out because nobody would believe him.</p><p>Now, Hank keeps wondering why Alex won't give him the time of day, despite how interested he may act. Alex eventually has to sit Hank down and tell him that he does like him, it's just Alex isn't sure he could be with someone who could over power him so easily.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hesitation

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first actual fic after more than ten years in fandom, and is un-betaed, so...sorry if it's terrible.
> 
> See notes at the end for specific triggers.

It's Angel who starts it. They're all sitting around the CIA facility uncomfortably after having been chastised by Erik and Charles for damaging the statue and 'behaving like children,' not saying much and avoiding each other's eyes, when she breaks the silence. "So how did all of you find out about your powers?" she asks, more tentative than she's yet been.

Sean is the first one to respond, and relates a story about getting into a shouting match with his parents over dinner only to have all the water glasses suddenly shatter, covering the whole family in water and effectively ending the argument out of shock. Darwin volunteers next, describing how on an ocean trip with his family he suddenly sprouted gills. Angel describes waking up with the tattoos of her wings on the day after her sixteenth birthday party, and initially wondering how drunk she'd been the previous night before realizing exactly what they were. The three of them look expectantly at Hank, Raven, and Alex after their stories.

There's a brief moment of silence before Hank responds. "I've always been this way," he offers. "My parents didn't quite know what to do about it, when I was born." Raven nods along at first, until he mentions his parents.

"My mother gave me up." She grimaces, and adds "I guess she couldn't handle it. I don't remember her at all." Hank gives her a look of sympathy, and reaches his hand out to hers. She takes it, smiling at him shyly.

Everyone's staring at Alex now, waiting for him to contribute. He's not sure what to say. He doesn't want to bring down the mood in the room. Sure, Raven's story wasn't a happy one, but it wasn't her fault her mom sucked like that. She didn't do anything wrong. She didn't hurt anyone. Finally, he mumbles, "I killed a man."

The other mutants' eyes widen. Raven is the first to respond. "You killed someone? What the hell, Alex?"

He tries desperately to explain himself. "I didn't mean to. I-it just got out of hand. I didn't know what I could do!" He looks pleadingly at the others, hoping for understanding. "Come on, you guys already knew I was in prison, right?"

"We didn't know that meant you'd killed someone!" Raven interjects. "That's messed up."

"Yeah, seriously, there are plenty of reasons to go to prison besides murder," agrees Sean.

"Come on, stop giving him such a hard time. If he says he didn't mean to, then he didn't mean to." That comes from Darwin, who's looking at how Alex has begun to curl into himself at their comments.

Angel gives him an assessing look, and he feels like she can see right through him. She purses her lips but, to his relief, says nothing. Hank, who's looked gradually more uncomfortable as the conversation has gone on, quickly changes the subject, and the matter is at least temporarily forgotten.

*******

It's not until after the attack on the CIA facility, whn they're all at the mansion, that it comes up again. Everyone's still not sure how to handle everything that's happened, to acknowledge that Darwin is dead and Angel is...gone, and they're grasping for anything else to think about. Sean's choice of topic isn't tactful, but tact isn't exactly something he's known for, and the way he just blurts it out makes it clear he hasn't thought it through. "So who was he?"

Alex looks up from his plate when he realizes he's been addressed. The food here is so good, not like prison at all, and sometimes he has to convince himself not to eat it too quickly. Charles has perfect table manners, and he's afraid if he doesn't behave properly Charles will realize he doesn't belong, the ex-con at the table full of nice, innocent people like Raven, Sean, and Hank. Especially Hank, who is so naive sometimes Alex just wants to shake him, to tell the world isn't like that, to force him to be hard. He settles for sniping at him, calling him names, hoping that will make him stay away and keep him from sullying Hank the way he knows he would. It hasn't worked; no matter how many names he calls him Hank still smiles at him, still spends hours in his lab trying to improve Alex's suit. Alex doesn't understand it. Hank's better off as far away from him as possible. He'll figure it out eventually; everyone does. "Who was who?" he replies.

"The guy you killed. The reason you wound up in jail."

Alex freezes. He has no idea how to answer that question. He's afraid his face is giving too much away when he finally mutters "just some guy I knew." He wishes Darwin were here.

"Were you...trying to hurt him?" Hank asks tentatively.

"No!" Alex looks around the table, desperately hoping to see understanding somewhere. He finds it, to his surprise, in Erik's eyes, and is given a silent nod by the normally unreadable man.

"Now, now," Charles chastises. "I'm sure we all realize Alex would never intend to hurt others, and you should all be familiar with having difficulty controlling or understanding your mutations. Just because yours do not have such severe repercussions when you lose control does not mean Alex is any more responsible for his mutation's effects. And all of you have improved so much with your mutations since we arrived here!"

Erik looks at Charles thoughtfully. "Sometimes there are good reasons to hurt others, though. Sometimes that's the only way to keep them from hurting you."

Erik's remark cuts a little too close to home, so Alex is relieved when Raven heads off the potential argument by moving the conversation in a new direction. "Speaking of training, Hank, have you had any luck with a suit for Sean to fly in?"

Hank brightens, and begins to talk about his work. Sean jumps in enthusiastically, and the matter is forgotten.

*******

Hank still hasn't stopped paying attention to him, being so nice and helpful all the time. Alex doesn't know how to deal with it. He knows he should stop him, but it's unfamiliar, even intoxicating, having someone treat him like that, especially someone like Hank, who's smart and interesting and attractive (even if he clearly doesn't realize the last one, too preoccupied with his feet to notice the rest of him). And he has tried, after all, he justifies to himself--if calling him names and prodding at his insecurities hasn't worked to make him realize he should stay away, how is that Alex's fault?

On his more honest days, Alex is willing to admit at least to himself that he has feelings for Hank. He knows society says it's wrong, feeling like that for another guy, has heard the sermons. But the only people who ever pushed religion on him were his foster parents--Alex can't remember ever going to church with his parents before the crash--and he doesn't have a very high opinion of most of their moral standards. Too many of them were drunks, or got vicious and even violent on bad days, and the one family where he'd finally felt at home, where he'd believed they cared about him, had freaked out after The Incident and never spoken to him again, never visited him or sent him mail in jail.

That's how Alex thinks of it in his head, "The Incident" in big capital letters. Better than remembering what it actually was: the day he became a murderer. He supposes maybe he can't blame them for abandoning him after that, but staying angry makes him feel less guilty for the way he looks at Hank when he stretches and a patch of skin shows between his shirt and his neat, pressed pants. He's never had much use for God anyway, he thinks--if God exists he's clearly never had much use for him either, making him thrice cursed as a mutant, a homosexual, and a murderer. Not to mention...well, he promised himself he wouldn't think about that anymore.

But no matter his feelings for Hank, he knows he can't act on them. He can't go through that again. And Hank deserves better than him anyway, and shows every sign of being into women like a normal guy, if the way he gets nervous around Raven is any indication.

So Alex continues to ignore his own emotions and try to avoid Hank or treat him brusquely until the day they're supposed to go to Cuba. When Hank shows up blue, he knows he made a mistake. He hadn't really considered that his efforts to get Hank to stay away from him might have the side effect of reinforcing Hank's insecurities further, and he feels somewhat responsible. Why would Hank take anything someone like Alex said to heart? It doesn't make sense. That's why he makes the "beast" comment, figuring that if it's his fault then he better start making up for it.

When Hank saves his life after he's attacked by that crazy red teleporter, Alex doesn't know what to think. After, when Raven invites Hank to join her and Erik, Alex momentarily freaks out, not sure what he'll do if Hank walks away. He lets out the breath he was holding when Hank stays, and tries to focus on Charles.

It doesn't really hit him how much and how suddenly everything has changed until he and Hank and Sean and Moira are at the hospital, listening to a doctor explain how Charles might be paralyzed for life. Hank's already thinking about ways he can help, technologies to wheelchair-proof the mansion and make it easier for Charles to function independently. He knows of all of them he might have lost the least: Sean's lost some of his innocence, Hank his ability to pass in society, Moira her faith in her employers and Charles--well, Charles has lost practically everything at once. But all he can think about is what this new world means for him--will he still be welcome at the mansion? Will Hank still want him around? Does he blame Alex for his transformation?

It takes him a couple weeks to realize that nothing has changed in the way Hank treats him. He's still intimidated by Hank's new body, has to remind himself that it's still Hank underneath, that Hank is the same man under his new more-intimidating packaging.

Perhaps that's why he doesn't notice when something does begin to change. Hank gradually starts spending even more time around Alex, making up excuses for Alex to visit the lab or Hank to watch Alex train, stopping by Alex's room sometimes in the evening to talk, showing up on Alex's runs and keeping pace with him, even though he knows Hank can go way faster if he wants. At first, he thinks it's just because Raven is gone--perhaps Hank is at a loss for what to do without her around. Then he realizes Hank isn't spending a comparable amount of time with Sean, and Sean makes an offhand comment about "how close the two of you have gotten." That's when Alex quietly starts to freak out.

It's not until Hank corners him in the hall one night after dinner that things really begin to go wrong. One moment they're talking about something inane, and the next thing he knows Alex's back is to the wall and his wrists are in Hank's grasp as he is first tentatively, then thoroughly kissed. For a moment he is getting into it, until he suddenly snaps out of it and realizes what's going on. He quickly pushes Hank away and flees down the hallway to his bedroom.

The next morning at breakfast, Alex realizes that he might have made a mistake. Hank doesn't come down until he thinks everyone else has left, and when he sees Alex in the kitchen washing dishes, he gives him a mournful, kicked-puppy look, before quickly exiting the room with his food and hiding upstairs to eat it. Alex should have realized, knowing Hank, that he would think there was something wrong with himself that caused Alex to flee, but he can't quite fathom it. He knows he has to do something about it though, even if it means dredging up a bunch of things he'd rather not, because Hank deserves better than what Alex has to offer. He steels his courage before hesitantly heading up to Hank's room.

"Hey," he begins, after Hank opens up the door to peer at him. "Can we talk?"

"What is there to talk about?" Hank says self-mockingly. "You obviously don't want me. I don't know why I assumed otherwise. And why should you? I'm big, and blue, and a freak, not to mention decidedly male, and you're gorgeous."

"Are you serious right now, Hank? You think that I ran away because you're blue? You've got to be kidding me. And I've never been attracted to a girl in my life, so the male thing isn't exactly an issue."

"So why, then? What's wrong with me?"

"I...can we do this inside? I don't want to talk about this in the hallway where everyone can hear."

Hank reluctantly opened the door, and Alex hurried in. Now facing Hank on the bed, he took a deep breath before beginning. "It's nothing about you at all, Hank."

Hank looked even more confused and frustrated at that, but he simply motioned for Alex to go on. Staring at the bed covers and clenching them with his hands, Alex tried to think of a way to explain without revealing too much. He finally gave up and realized if Hank was going to ever not hate him he'd have to explain everything. Probably Hank would still hate him afterwards, but at least he'd know. "You remember the story about how my mutation manifested? The...guy I killed?"

Hank nodded. Alex continued, "well, he wasn't just some guy. He was my...boyfriend, I guess you'd call it. The only person I've ever been with, actually."

Hank's eyes widened. "You mean, you've actually been with another guy before?"

Alex's lips twisted. "Yeah. You could say that. But...well, Erik wasn't so off when we talked about it last time. I guess if our powers are a result of evolution, it makes sense that they would...defend us when we need it."

Hank looked confused. "But what would you need defending from?" Alex watched as realization dawned. "Alex, did he...did he hurt you somehow?"

Alex grimaced. "You could say that." He paused and took a deep breath before continuing. "It wasn't actually that that caused my mutation to come out though. It would have happened a lot earlier otherwise. Our relationship was...volatile, you could say."

With a no-nonsense look on his face, like he knew Alex wasn't being completely straightforward, Hank questioned, "Volatile? Like you got into mutual fights where you hurt him too?"

Alex looked almost sheepish. "Well, no, not exactly. But I did yell at him a lot, and I started a lot of the fights. So it was my fault too."

Hank interrupted him, "No it wasn't. Yelling at someone isn't an excuse for them to hit you, Alex! Come on!" He calmed, and then asked tentatively, "So what changed, if it had happened before?"

Alex sighed. "The last fight...got out of hand. He was beating my head against the ground. I don't think I've ever been more afraid I was going to die, not even when that red guy was attacking us in Cuba. And my blasts just...came out. I didn't even know I could do that. But by then it was too late. He was so close to them--he got completely burned up. The police didn't believe me that it was an accident."

Hank looked outraged. "Did they notice that you were beat up? You probably had a concussion! Didn't they care? It was self-defense!"

Alex laughed without humor. "I couldn't exactly tell them he was my boyfriend, Hank. They assumed we were just two guys who'd gotten into a fight, and I'd added fire when I started losing or something. It's not like they could look at his body and see that I was the only one injured."

Hank nodded sadly. "I guess that makes sense." He looked like he wanted to go on, but pressed his lips together and waited, still clearly hoping for the rest of Alex's explanation.

Alex fidgeted as he began. "I--I really like you, Hank. The problem is. Is that. I don't know if I can let someone close like that again. Not after..." He bit his lip. "Especially not someone like you."

Hank looked hurt. "Like me?"

"Bigger than me. Stronger. Able to...hurt me like he did. I just don't trust anyone like that anymore."

"You know I'd never do that!"

"I know it in my head. But that doesn't really help in my gut. Anyway, I never thought he'd do that kind of thing until he did. And even after the first time, I kept believing him when he said it would never happen again."

Hank sobered. "Oh."

They lapsed into silence for a few minutes, before Hank finally summoned up the will to speak. "Do you think there's some way we could make it work? Maybe...if we told someone ahead of time they could watch out, make sure you're not hurt, stop it if anything happens. Or...we could figure out some way to restrain me, so you felt safe."

"Hank, he didn't hurt me while we were having sex or something. I'm not gonna tie you up every time we hang out or something insane like that. And someone knowing isn't going to help until after something's already happened! Plus, it's...pretty easy to hide bruises."

Hank's face scrunched up mournfully. "So that's it then? You like me and I like you, but we're not going to do anything about it because I'm physically capable of hurting you?"

Alex put his head in his hand. "Damn it, that makes it sound like he won! I don't want to let him win."

Hank hesitantly offered, "What if we just take it really slow, and you can back out whenever if you need to? You'll set the pace and everything."

Alex smiled tentatively. "I...that could work. Maybe. We can try it, at least. I really like you. I want to give this a chance."

Hank scooted closer to Alex. "In that case, can I kiss you? Just kissing, I promise."

Alex's smile grew more confident. "I'd like that." He leaned in, and their lips came together, their noses bumping a bit. Gradually, the kiss deepened, and Alex lifted his hand to the back of Hank's neck, gently caressing the fur there. Finally, he pulled away. "Your fur...it's so soft!"

Hank looked as though he would have blushed if he still could. "Was that okay?"

"Yeah, bozo. I think we're going to be okay." He reached out his hand to Hank's, and they sat together quietly, hands clasped, occasionally leaning in for additional gentle kisses, until tiredness claimed them and they fell asleep, curled together fully clothed on Hank's bed.

**Author's Note:**

> Domestic violence is between Alex and another man (with whom he was in a relationship) and specific acts of violence are mentioned but no significant details or flashbacks.  
> Period-typical homophobia is mostly on the part of the police and former foster parents, although there's some internalized homophobia as well.  
> Victim blaming is exclusively victim self-blaming.  
> There's also reference to past unintentional killing (via burning) and resultant incarceration, as well as some religion-bashing.  
> Let me know if there's anything else I need to mention!
> 
> You can follow my extremely infrequent updates, mostly about various superheroes, on tumblr at http://lodejaria.tumblr.com/


End file.
